Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
