Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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