i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
