I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I believe in your delicious
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
