bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
