What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
