Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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