Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
