I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
