Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
