I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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