omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
