He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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