He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
