it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
