No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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