When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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