The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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