Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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