If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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