Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
