In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
