Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
