no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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