i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
