yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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