he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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