The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
