So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
