Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
