What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
