How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
And then my night got REAL pukey
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
