Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
