dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
