Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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