Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
