So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
