There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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