My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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