i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
