I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
