You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
