That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
