Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
