loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
