when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
