I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
