i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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