He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
