I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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